I always knew through my observations that many marriages are in shambles and many will be couples consider the parlour of marriage a dare. And the responses from the previous post really surprised me, the several feedbacks confirmed the fact that this area of our lives needs help. Many expressed how insightful it was and many more are still in touch with us and we’re trying our best to help them with strengthening the hinges of their relationships, feel free to mail us today for a free sign up with a therapist. firstname.lastname@example.org.
This piece is dedicated to providing us with the causes, effects and possible remedies to this social epidemic- divorce.
The fact of life is that you first meet a person’s representative before you meet the real person. The same is true with your supposed suitable help mate. Most often than not the features of our will be spouses that we fall in love with are actually the characteristics of their representatives. And those lovely characters might not be featured at all in the life of the real person. So when you finally meet the real dude in the suit of a husband or a gown of a wife, most often only after the ring finger is occupied, you’ll be stunned😏😹. Then you’ll be like, I never knew he’s capable of this or that😏😏.
Many spouses ignore the alarms of discontent that their partner has been ringing for years. To them, none of the complaints sounded like they might end up leading to divorce. When their spouse “suddenly” announces that he or she is moving out, wants to end the marriage, or has even already filed for divorce, the ground below shakes like an earthquake. Is there any way, at that last-ditch point, to stop a divorce?
Did you ever wonder why divorce cases were never rampant in anytime in history like ours? Your grandparents probably never thought of divorce because there was always a mutual feeling of interdependence. Don’t get me wrong, but I’ve seen wives edured abusive marriages and I’ve seen husbands edured intolerant wives for years without contemplating divorce, why? Because the relationship was mutualistic. They both felt ‘we need each other, regardless’. As soon as one party developed the idea of independence, the relationship can end in no time. During my years as a student therapist, my preceptor had a case which he handled excellently in less than 10 minutes. After hearing both parties, all he said to the woman was,” go and rewind your emotions to bring back your urgency that you need this man in your life”. And after two weeks, this couples came over holding hands to express their sincere gratitude to my boss for saving their union, of course they brought an envelop😸😸. The mutual feeling of interdependence is crutial for a successful marriage. Work it out.
I realized that another cause is unmet expectations. People normally propose that living without expectations is the antidote to disappointment, but I totally disagree, it’s rationally impossible to live without expectations. My personal panacea for disappointment, which I don’t recommend for use in relationship is to expect anything and everything, by so doing nothing surprises you anymore. I discovered that the first year or two of a romance is fueled by a cocktail of chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin—creating an intoxicating haze of blind distraction. But then the intoxication runs out, and any red flags that were once ignored have taken center stage. “When the body physiologically calms down, and you’re no longer crazy in love, you’re doing real life together. And you may realize that you and your spouse are fundamentally different people,” Dr. Whatley says.
Dr. Whatley adds that, based upon her observation, the most common reason for irreconcilable differences is unmet expectations. I realized by experience that, People often create all of these expectations that their spouse will eventually adjust certain behaviors or habits to better suit their own. But you can never change another person; you can only change yourself. So when you realized your partner is not willing or cannot meet your expectations, just cancel them.
And yet still another is infidelity. But to me, this is not a deal breaker. Infidelity is almost always a symptom of another problem. While some marriages never heal from it, I have seen many couples create even better marriages after working through the issues surrounding it. Denna Babul, relationship expert and author of the upcoming book Love Strong: Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life and Take Your Power Back agrees. “If a marriage has a solid foundation that, over time, becomes compromised in some way, infidelity can happen in marriages that are ultimately worth saving–so long as the person who cheated is genuinely remorseful and committed to rebuilding the relationship’s trust,” she says. But there’s a catch. In order to come back from infidelity, the person who was betrayed must still be able to see their spouse in a recognizably loving light. “If the person is so hurt that they are no longer able to see their spouse as the one they fell in love with, that may ultimately destroy the marriage,” says Babul.
In a 2019 survey, “lack of intimacy” was cited as one of the most prevalent factors. In a 2019 study published by Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, the most common reason for divorce was found to be a lack of love and intimacy. Dr. Shannon Chavez, Los Angeles-based psychologist and sex therapist, says that sexless marriages are shockingly common, and that the majority of her divorced clients report having experienced its pain. “In sexless marriages, a person can go a long time without feeling desired and loved, and their self-esteem can take serious hits because of it,” she says. So, in such a case, it’s understandable why a person might wish to leave a marriage that’s left them untouched for months or years. But Dr. Chavez urges her clients to consider that, while eroticism fades over time, a seemingly flat-lined sex life doesn’t necessarily mean that divorce papers should be filed. “If there is still a connection there, couples can work to check in with each other’s desires and find new ways to excite and indulge in each other. Unless there are other serious issues within the marriage, in the majority of cases, it’s definitely possible to revive the intimacy and sexual connection,” she says.
For a marriage to thrive, there has to be mutual respect, but not necessarily constant happiness.
Dr. Whatley believes the most essential ingredient in a healthy marriage is mutuality. “You need mutual respect and a mutual emotional connection.” She adds, “Reasonable behavior in a marriage does not have to do with acting or feeling happy all of the time. Happiness in a relationship is not a constant state; it wouldn’t be special if it was. It’s about the two parties who sometimes disagree and mess up, but always bounce back—because they each want to bounce back.”
Hood says we have to fight the narrative that there exists a marriage on high where two partners are perfectly in sync and fair with each other all of the time. The key is to be able to safely communicate when you aren’t in sync, and when you feel you’ve been wronged. That differentiates a worthwhile marriage from a toxic one. “When you feel disappointed, hurt or trapped, in any way, can you have that conversation and still be heard fairly?”
The therapists office surprisngly sees little cases with financial incompetence as the root cause. That not withstanding, financial responsibility is a pivotal part of marriage looking at the demands the marriage places on this couples. I recommend all will be couples read SMART COUPLES FINISH RICH by David Bach.
At the end of the day, divorce happens because a marriage has lost its glue.
Regardless of the reasons that provoke thoughts of divorce, how does one know when it’s really over? Dr. Whatley says it’s when the marriage has lost its glue. “You know that special thing you bond over, that has always held you together—in conflict, in tragedy, or after a huge mistake? Couples can come back from so many awful things, but only when the glue is still there. If it’s lost, if it starts to feel indifferent, that’s when the marriage falls apart.” She adds, “…and that is when it is nearly impossible to be put back together.”
Before you file your divorce I suggest you evaluate with this three questions as proposed by Dr. Rozen Michelle. For the first question, if you scale yourself between 0 and 4 for about three months, then you’re in for divorce otherwise the marriage is still workable.
On a scale of 0-10 how much do I really want to stay in this relationship?
How hook up am I doing things that produced the same hurdle? In other words, am I doing the same old things while expecting a change?.
The third question
How responsible am I for the failure of the relationship?
A careful analysis of this questions have help many stay and work their marriages into a peaceful home.
My brothers and sisters, I wish to end here but before that I just want to let you know that divorce can be avoided. Love they say grows, so please don’t become so familiar with your partner that you begin to lose that first love. The dopamine effect of your honeymoon can last throughout your marriage.you might not laugh always but the feeling of honeymoon can still lurk even in times of crisis. Work out your financial freedom and build a home you and your children will be proud of, it’s possible, it’s possible it’s possible!!! I recommend anyone who desires a happy home to read THE HONEYMOON EFFECT by Bruce Lipton